Your Child’s Messy Room Might Not Be a Discipline Issue—it Might Be Emotional Overload

What piles, clutter, and “lost things” are really telling us about our kids’ nervous systems—and how parents can respond with support instead of pressure.

Hello all! I'm finding immense joy in writing on this blog. As we are about to close another December on the books, I came to a huge realization while my daughter was participating in The Nutcracker. The season looks magical from the outside, but it is extremely overwhelming on the inside. It's the excitement of being on stage that drives our kids into the spotlight, especially when you see the costumes and, not to mention, the performances, where each movement is precise and unhesitating, mostly in a perfect state. You need to live up to the demands of rehearsals, the excitement of being on stage, the performances, and the perfectionism that ballet entails.

As a parent, driving and adapting to an additional rehearsal schedule while juggling other demands honestly burns you out. I was exhausted, tired, and overwhelmed. On the other hand, my daughter looked motivated, determined, and enthusiastic to meet every single demand of this season. But behind the scenes, as we got into the last stretch of rehearsals and performances, her room started filling with piles of random "I'll deal with this later" items. To an outsider, it might look like a messy room. To me, as the demands and days go by, I realize it was something else entirely. It was her nervous system trying to cope.

Working with my adult ADHD busy clients has given me a new understanding: piles aren't just piles. As parents, we need to understand that for kids, especially kids with ADHD or executive function challenges, piles are rarely about laziness or defiance. Piles have a deeper meaning: if we stop and observe, they could derail postponed decisions, transitions not fully processed, and emotional overload with nowhere to land. In my daughter's case, during the Nutcracker season, she was dealing with long rehearsals, school demands, physical exhaustion, emotional pressure to perform well, and, not to mention, trying a new sport. With all those demands on her, her space reflected them all. Her room was her only place where everything she couldn't organize internally ended up externally.

The hardest part for me in this situation, and for many of the parents I work with, is deciding whether I should step in and help her or simply let go. Do I let this be a natural consequence? Or is this a moment where support matters more than independence?

I have the background to understand what my child needed help with, but for many of us, parenting is new; we are learning as we go. That is when the help of a professional organizer comes in handy, because we step in when the mess is no longer teaching; it is dysregulating. How can you tell? Well, if your child is shutting down or melting down, feels shame about their space by closing the door every time they leave, can't find what they need, leaves plates all over their room, has an irregular sleep schedule, experiences mood swings, to mention a few. Those are loud signs that your kid is dealing internally with more of what she/he can handle. It is hard as parents to understand these kinds of scenarios. Our busyness tends to put a blindfold on us and see this kind of behavior as defiance when our kids are struggling, but it is the silent message our kids are sending us: this is not the time to "teach responsibility"; it is time to co-regulate.

Stepping in doesn't mean that you need to take over their chores, do everything for them, or create a perfect Pinterest room. It means you need to temporarily help them organize and create systems that align with the season they're in. For me, it looked like I needed to step into her room and clear the floor and surfaces. Find a bigger bag to take to her performances, where everything from makeup to slippers to clothes will be accessible without taking up too much space. I edited my entryway and created a drop zone for dance, school, and basketball. I didn't build a forever system. I just built a right-now system, and that made all the difference.

Kids with or without ADHD don't need more reminders. They need environments that do some of the thinking for them. When their spaces are set up to reduce steps and decisions, and to match real routines, habits can actually form. Because without systems, we rely on willpower. And willpower is the first thing to disappear when a child is tired, overstimulated, or emotionally drained.

This Nutcracker season reminded me of something I see again and again with the families and busy professionals I work with. Mess is communication. Our piles and clutter are our way to externally portray our internal state. When we slow down enough to listen, we can respond with support rather than control, structure rather than pressure, and systems rather than shame. If your child's room feels overwhelming right now, it doesn't mean you are failing or that they are. It might simply mean it's time for a different kind of support.

If you’re a parent navigating ADHD, busy schedules, and spaces that no longer support your family’s routines, you’re not alone. Creating systems that build habits — without overwhelming your child — is exactly the work I do with families every day. Please follow me on my social media and support my passion for writing by reading my blog. Happy parenting!